Column: Simplicity Parenting
© Marina Schauffler 2008
In the overcrowded world of “parenting experts,” counselor Kim John Payne is a refreshing voice of uncommon sense—advocating a five-pronged approach called “Simplicity Parenting” to bring some semblance of balance and well-being to overstressed families. Many American children, Payne claims, suffer from chronic low-grade stress that elevates normal temperamental quirks into debilitating behavioral problems (so dreamy children become inattentive, active kids get hyperactive, and strong-willed ones grow defiant).
Payne takes a therapeutic, no-meds approach that amounts to a family intervention, inviting parents to reassess their family’s lifestyle in five key areas:
- Dramatically reduce the volume of children’s’ toys, books and clothes (halving, then halving again, and perhaps even again as needed);
- Establish stable eating and sleeping routines;
- Stop over-scheduling children (giving them plenty of down time and self-directed play time—rather than “seeing childhood as an enrichment opportunity”;
- Abandon the television and be mindful of negative adult conversations that could signal to kids that the world’s a mess; and
- Discipline through instructions, not requests – leaving little room for negotiation.
Simple, huh? Payne is quick to acknowledge that getting to household simplicity is anything but simple. (His website offers a “review form” for those wanting to do some domestic triage—see http://www.thechildtoday.com/files/SimplicityReviewForm). I first heard Payne speak four years ago and have made some inroads in the first four realms.
The greatest insights on this round came in the discipline arena. Like Alfie Kohn (author of Unconditional Parenting), Payne scorns the behavior modification school that emphasizes rewards and punishments. This “good job culture” encourage kids to become “praise junkies” (with no internal sense of confidence), while threats of punishment invite children to perform a cost-benefit analysis every time their parents launch into an “If you do/don’t…, then….”
Payne notes how much children love “drive-by” requests, knowing they can practice “discipline Aikido” and deflect or ignore everything they’re asked. Parents should give clear instructions, stay close and follow through to ensure compliance. Take a 2x2 approach, he advises: speak two feet from your child while grounded on your own two feet. (And yes, that does mean the end of multi-tasking: no more packing the lunch while calling up the stairwell to ensure your child is brushing his teeth!)
We give children far too many choices, Payne says, making our own lives much harder (because EVERYTHING is up for negotiation) and making our children feel unsafe. “There’s a time for choices,” he adds: “it’s called adolescence.”
A person once asked Payne why Laura and Mary Ingalls (of the Little House books) always did what Ma and Pa asked (a question that has gone through my mind many times!). His answer? “Ma and Pa didn’t talk too much. And when they said something, they really meant it.”
Payne counsels parents to be mindful of what may underlie challenging behavior, though. So often, he notes, we hold our children’s struggles at a distance—and the more we do this, the more they get in our face (in awkward, uncomfortable ways). It’s important for us to embrace those difficult dimensions in order for our children to feel loved unconditionally. Cultivating compassion for their weaknesses and our own can help diffuse some of the more trying moments in family life.
